My Teen Received an Autism Diagnosis…
What Do I Do Now?
It’s been shared by many clients over the years that getting a diagnosis can be a tornado of feelings – relief, shame, excitement, embarrassment, frustration, confusion– you name it. Like everything else we know about neurodiversity, the one constant is that receiving the diagnosis is much like having a diagnosis, it's a spectrum.
So as a parent, how are you supposed to support a tornado? It is difficult enough to be a teenager, and now the child you love more than anything in the world has been given life changing information, all while figuring out the importance of deodorant!
The answer, as with all things parenting, starts with you. Big life news deserves big life reflection and planning. As a parent, when you sense potential harm, your instincts are to protect, take over, and solve all the problems. In this instance, science tells us to take a step back, reflect, and then make a plan to model what you want from your child through this experience. Teens, regardless of if they want to admit it, are a reflection of their parents. Therefore, the actions they take, the words they say, and thoughts they will have about themselves are primarily derived not only from what you say to them, but also how you talk (think) about yourself.
We all have strengths, we all have things we are looking to improve on, and we all have limitations. While being autistic definitely presents different levels of intensity to the everyday aspects of living in a neurotypical society, we all get the choice to sit in denial, or take the road from tolerance to acceptance to celebration. The more a teen sees you accept and celebrate the differences in your life, the more opportunities they will have to do so for themselves.
Okay… So How Do I Do That?
STEP 1: Assess Your Values. Pick 5 Words That Resonate With You!
The beauty of values is that they are the only thing in life that is 100% correct, all the time. As long as your actions (anything you think, do, or say) are working towards your values, rather than away from your values, you’re always making decisions that will work towards the betterment of your life and thus, betterment of the lives around you. Think of values like your north star, a predetermined guide to keep you intentional and thoughtful with everything you do. Feel like you’re losing course and getting overwhelmed with anxiety? Don’t make a choice based on your feelings while you’re sitting in a negative emotion, make a choice that is reflective of your values, a choice you planned while you were regulated and focused. It may seem counterintuitive, but when picking these values, don’t pick 5 that resonate with you the parent, pick 5 that resonate with YOU! You’re the tide that raises all ships. When you’re at your best, everyone else in your life has a chance to be their best.
STEP 2: What Are You Currently Doing / What Could You Be Doing?
So you picked 5 values, some of them based on strengths you currently exhibit, some are based on future versions of the self you want to be. Ask yourself, what does that look like in practice – what does that look like with my physical actions, my words, and my thoughts? If my value is “kindness,” what does that look like towards my child, towards a stranger, towards myself?
Are you supposed to donate to charity every day because that is “kind”? The answer to that is different for everyone. Your value of kindness may look different than another parent’s value of kindness, which may look different than your child's value of kindness, which may look different than your co-worker’s values because they might not even have kindness in their top 5. Like the rest of our theme of neurodiversity, it's all individual and even with traits that overlap, it's a spectrum 🙂.
For the record, one of my values is “kindness”. I define it as my attempt to spread joy during as many social interactions as I can. Whether I’m smiling at someone as I pass them on the street, whether I’m helping clients achieve their life goals, or whether I’m making sure to prioritize my health by exercising 4 days a week. That is my version of kindness and I take great pride in working towards that value each opportunity I get. (NOTICE: My value is specific – what, when, where, with who, how often).
STEP 3: Plan Your Intentionality!
Now that you have your 5 values, it’s time to implement them with purpose. We all have an idea of the person we want to be, but ideas don’t define us, our actions define us. If you plan out who you want to be today and accomplish it, then you accomplish it over a week, within 3 months, it's not that you want to be that person, it is that YOU ARE that person!
For me, I plan out my kindness each time I go to the grocery store. Just like I put my reusable bags on the door handle so I won’t forget, I put a reminder in my phone for Sunday morning “Grocery Store and Kindness”. I try to prioritize this with the same mindset that I prioritize when helping clients. Whether it's just smiling at everyone I see in the frozen food aisle or asking the person bagging my groceries what they are doing after work. If I make a plan and I prepare that plan, I increase my chances of executing that plan.
I Can Do That! But Be More Autism Specific…
Coming full circle, when your teen receives news of their neurodiversity (whether formally or discovers it themselves through tik tok), it may seem counterintuitive as a parent, but their reaction starts largely with your reaction. Reflect on your values and ask yourself “What do I understand about neurodiversity? What are my current actions towards my own strengths, deficits, and differences?”
Pause, sit with your thoughts, and buy time by asking questions rather than making statements. Teens are smart, they are hyper aware, they have a new found social autonomy, (even if on paper these social skills are expressed differently than those who are neurotypical). The more you rush to assumptions or the more you try to control the situation, the less you allow for yourself and your child to learn. Your role isn’t to drive the car for them, your role is to put up some bumpers for safety and model how you drive your car as you share the road.
As you examine and find ways to support yourself as you support your child, make sure to empower both of you by doing your own research, connecting to others in the neurodiverse community (other autistics, fellow parents of neurodiverse children, etc…), and reaching out to professionals if that is needed. As a clinician, I would be cautious of social media as your sole resource, but when vetted properly, it can be an extremely valuable tool. The best part of social media as it relates to neurodiversity is that autistic voices are being heard more than ever before. What we know about neurodiversity has changed dramatically over the past 5 years, let alone 20 years, and social media has played a strong role in that. As you learn from autistic voices, please note, their autistic experience is their autistic experience, use them as a reference but remember that you are only comparing your child to themselves, not to anyone else. Your measurement of “success” on this journey is measuring your teens ability to access the things in life they love.
There will be lots of people on this journey who may give direct or indirect advice. There will be stories some share that will warm your heart and give you an overwhelming sense of joy, and there will be others that might fill you with fear or frustration. I can’t say it enough, IT’S A SPECTRUM. Don’t make choices based on those moments of emotion, make choices based on your values.
As with everything in life, a diagnosis presents us with a potential for gifts and a potential for challenges. If you empower yourself and your teen with information and value-based decision making, you will allow your teen to define their autism rather than let their autism define them.
